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VD

Hilary Duff’s new music video is in heavy rotation on the Disney Channel right now and Zoë is quite a fan. As she and the other girls were downstairs singing along (very loudly), I found myself upstairs in the kitchen with my sister Jenny trying to defend the rather indefensible position that Ms. Duff’s Metamorphosis was one of the finest pop albums of 2003. To take some of the heat off me, I brought up the subject of Hilary’s new (and rather unfortunate) porcelain veneers.

Hilary Duff's Venereal Denistry

I was trying to find just the right word to describe what was wrong with them. But as I fished around, all I could come up with was:

“They’re just so…so…veneereal.”

As in:

Veneereal Dentistry (VD)
(ve·’ne·re·al ‘den·tist·ry) When an irresponsible practitioner of the dental arts applies large, obvious porcelain veneers over the perfectly good teeth of a poor, unsuspecting starlet. Symptoms include “horse teeth,” pronounced overbite, and difficulty in closing their mouth completely due to the increased surface area.

Spilling the (Kidney) Beans

I was hoping to avoid this entirely. I figured that if I didn’t say anything, people wouldn’t start worrying about something they didn’t need to worry about. But as word has leaked, the accuracy of the reports on the state of my health has degraded to the point that yesterday I received an email message from someone who asked, “So, how long do you have?”

Well, since I’m 42 years old now, I would guess I’ve got at least another 58 years, thank you very much. But there is a small chance that my kidneys might be on a slightly more abbreviated schedule.

Portrait of the Artist as a Middle-Aged Man
Portrait of the Artist as a Middle-Aged Man

To make a short story shorter, I had a routine physical on my 42nd birthday and the blood tests showed some unusually high serum creatinine levels, so that led to a visit to the nephrologist, which led to me driving around town for two days with a half gallon of urine riding shotgun in a picnic cooler, which led to a tentative diagnosis, which led to a biopsy to confirm said tentative diagnosis.

When they checked me into the hospital for the biopsy, the “reason” they put on my chart was “chronic renal insufficiency,” which sounds more like a personality flaw than a medical condition to me, but I guess that’s the general term they use when your kidney function falls below the 50% mark, no matter what the root cause.

Well, I got the biopsy results on Monday and they confirmed my nephrologist’s suspicions: IgA Nephropathy. It’s a condition where Immunoglobulin A (IgA) gets deposited in the microscopic filters (glomeruli) in the kidneys and slowly shuts them down.

Right now I’ve got a GFR (Glomerular Filtration Rate) of around 45, which means I’m down to about 45% kidney function. You don’t get into serious trouble until you get down to about 30%, so if that ever happens I’ll have to attend some “Renal Replacement Therapy” classes and have a fistula or shunt installed in my arm. Then, if I get down to 10-15%, I’ll have to start dialysis or have a kidney transplant.

So, how long before I get to that point? There’s absolutely no way of knowing. It could be next year, it could be 10 years from now, it could be never. It’s essentially a race to see who dies first, me or my kidneys. But there’s a good chance I’ll die of old age long before my kidneys give out.

Even though there’s no way of predicting exactly how (or if) things will progress, there are some prognostic indicators that might provide some clue. Here’s how they line up for me:

Negative:

  • Male. (Curse that blasted Y chromosome!)
  • Late-age onset. (Although I object to the term “late-age.”)
  • Decreased GFR at diagnosis.
  • Moderate glomerulosclerosis.
  • Elevated serum creatinine levels.

Positive:

  • No hypertension.
  • Cholesterol within the normal range.
  • Only moderate proteinuria.
  • No glomerular crescents. (Or, as I like to call them, “glomerular croissants.”)

So, it’s kind of an even split. But there are a few other factors that need to be taken into consideration:

  • Other than my “chronic renal insufficiency,” I’m in excellent health.
  • I come from hardy Wyoming stock, so I’m genetically predisposed to living well into my 90s.
  • Diseases with cool, mixed-case acronyms (IgAN) have been clinically proven to be less serious than those with regular acronyms (MI, DVT, TB, PMS, etc).
  • If he comes before I reach the age of 100, I will require the Grim Reaper to say “Immunoglobulin A Nephropathy” ten times fast before I will consent to go with him. (I have yet to find someone outside the medical community who can say it properly even once.)

So, what now? Well, they’ve put me on an ACE inhibitor, but that’s about all that is required at this point. And now that they’ve established a baseline I’ll be getting blood tests every few months to monitor my kidney function.

But, as I said, as word has spread, some folks have presumed that things are much worse than they really are. I’ve already had about 20 kind souls offer me a pound of their flesh (or 5 oz., in this particular case), but everyone can keep their kidneys for the foreseeable future.

As Karen Bartholomew said when she heard about my “condition,” “I guess you just have to pee every day and hope for the best.” Which is exactly what I plan to do.

Dear Veer: Britney Called. She Wants Her Shirt Back…

Veer Sofa T-Shirt

As a counterpoint to 100% Customer Satisfaction (which is, quite ironically, the #1 result on Google for that particular phrase right now), I’d like to share with you an example of exemplary customer service that I’ve experienced recently. I do this somewhat hesitantly, because I wouldn’t want establishments to be taken advantage of once people find out how accommodating they can be. But I think it’s important to recognize the companies (and, perhaps more importantly, the people) that get it right…without resorting to bloodshed.

So tonight I’d like to start with an email exchange that took place recently between me and the good folks at Veer.

To: Service at Veer
From: Grettir Asmundarson
Subject: Britney called. She wants her shirt back…

I recently purchased a T-shirt from you folks:

I called before I ordered to ask about sizing/shrinkage and after talking with a sales rep I ended up ordering a medium. I have a 38″ chest, so I’m on the low end of the medium range, but I wanted to leave enough room for shrinkage. When the shirt arrived, I tried it on and I was pretty sure that after it was washed it would be the perfect size. However, after washing the shirt in cold and drying it on low (which is even more cautious than the tag recommends), I now have a fantastic, fitted belly shirt that any adolescent girl would love. Unfortunately, I’m not an adolescent girl.

I’ve honestly never seen a T-shirt shrink that much in my life. And while it makes me feel quite manly and muscly to wear something so tight and fitted, I’m not sure the general public should be subjected to my bare midriff on a regular basis.

So, how can I go about arranging for a return/exchange? Or can I not return/exchange it because I’ve already washed it? Anyway, any help you can give would be appreciated…

Cheers,
Grettir

To: Grettir Asmundarson
From: Service at Veer
Subject: Re: Britney called. She wants her shirt back…

Hello Grettir,

Thank you for your email and your wonderful sense of humor in the face of such shrinkage!!

We are very sorry that this happened with your product. To be honest, we haven’t heard of such severe shrinking happening with other men’s medium shirts we’ve sold, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen!

Of course we’d like to replace it for you, but my concern is that the replacement may have the same thing happen. Here are a few options for you to choose from:

  1. We can send you a replacement Veer Sofa shirt (would you like to try an even larger size to start?)
  2. We can send you a replacement t-shirt, perhaps in a different style.
  3. We can call it a day and simply refund you for the shirt rather than take the chance the replacement may shrink as well.

Let me know how you’d like to proceed and I’ll make sure it gets done for you today.

Thanks again for your feedback and for being a good sport in the face of bare midriffs — We appreciate it!

Kind Regards,

Elescia
Customer Service Sales & Support
Veer
Visual Elements for Creatives
http://veer.com

To: Service at Veer
From: Grettir Asmundarson
Subject: Re: Britney called. She wants her shirt back…

Yes, it is difficult to put on a brave face in the face of shrinkage, but I’m holding up OK. And after getting the opinion of a few of my more fashion-sense-enabled colleagues, they informed me that while it did shrink more than one would expect, referring to it as a “belly shirt” was probably overstating things. (I don’t know, though. I’ve only got about 1/2″ of clearance and if I so much as inhale there is definite ab-age.) And they felt that a Large would probably be sufficiently long. Even if it shrank as much as the Medium, it would probably still give me an additional inch of modesty-assuring fabric below my waistline.

So, I think I’d just like to arrange to exchange my Medium for a Large, if that’s possible.

To: Grettir Asmundarson
From: Service at Veer
Subject: Re: Britney called. She wants her shirt back…

For you?

Of course! 😉

Look for a large Men’s Sofa t-shirt coming your way soon.

And if you know anyone with a slightly shorter torso that you can donate the shrunken shirt to, feel free! (But don’t make fun of them — that’s just mean.) Or if you ever want to show your midriff off around the house or at the gym…go for it!

Cheers, and have a great day,

Elescia
Customer Service Sales & Support
Veer
Visual Elements for Creatives
http://veer.com

Two days later I received not only a large, men’s Sofa T-shirt, but a Veer Logo Beanie and a Veer 2005 Calendar Planner, too. And shortly thereafter they added a small note below the T-shirt sizing chart:

* Women’s tees are shape-fitting girly sizes. Men’s sizes are snug-fitting too. You may wish to order one size larger than usual.

Well, as far as I’m concerned, Elescia deserves a big, fat kiss and/or raise (depending on Veer’s workplace sexual harassment and/or compensation policies) and a title change to Supreme Goddess of Customer Service and/or Liaison to the National Organization for the Abolition of Belly Shirts (NO-ABS).

Note: Like the shirt? Download the desktop wallpaper. It’s called “Relax” and it’s about 3/4 of the way down on the left.