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• 100% Customer Satisfaction

  “I watched as my little Customer Service Assassin made her way systematically through the park, looking for anyone else who had the gall to be displeased by the lack of facilities. And after the summary execution of about a half-dozen more urine-engorged malcontents, there wasn’t a single dissatisfied customer in the park…”

• Love Actually

  “It was too much to process all at once. The body in my arms, the soft, dark hair against my cheek, that fragrant winter combination of shampoo and perfume with just a hint of the wool from her coat, the beautiful face beaming at me, the touch of her hand. Too much, I tell you. All I could think was, ‘Pretty…girl…touching…arm.’”

• Colin Ithn’t a Firth-Rate Kither

  “The director appears to have pulled Mr. Firth aside and said, ‘Look, Colin, your agent just called to remind us about the ‘no mandible movement’ clause in your contract, so in this scene just try to keep everything else moving, OK? Open and close your jaw, turn your head from side to side, clutch her skull in ever-more-awkward ways. Just do whatever you have to do to disguise the fact that you kiss like a haddock…’”

• Organus Prime

  “While I was sitting in the Conference Center yesterday, I saw something. And now that I’ve seen it, I can’t stop seeing it…”

• Incident at South Pass

  In which I make the argument for button fly jeans.