If this was a review of The Cat in the Hat I would, at some point, have to write the following sentence:

Paris Hilton has a brief cameo in the rave scene.

And the mere fact that such a sentence could exist in reference to the film adaptation of one of the most cherished of children’s books would fill me with such a profound sense of weariness that I would be unable to continue.

Therefore, this is not a review of The Cat in the Hat.