The Details (or Lack Thereof)

As I rule, I do not divulge details of my love life on this site…since, as a rule, you cannot divulge details of something that doesn’t exist. But even if I had a love life, I still would not, as a rule, divulge details of said love life on this site. I am, if nothing else, a man of discretion.

In this case, however, discretion has nothing to do with it. In fact, the young lady in question has specifically requested that I divulge the details of the date. There’s just one problem: I can’t remember the details. Honestly, the whole thing was a blur.

So, for what it’s worth (which ain’t much), here’s the general sequence of events, though I’d never swear to any of it in a court of law.

The Date

So, there I was at Chili’s at 12:55pm.

Chili’s Greeter: How many in your party, sir?

Me: WHAT!?!

Chili’s Greeter: I’m sorry, sir. Did I startle you?

Me: NO! I’M FINE! I’M JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS, THAT’S ALL!

Chili’s Greeter: How many in your party, sir?

Me: TWO! THERE WILL BE TWO IN MY PARTY! ME AND SOMEONE ELSE! THAT MAKES TWO!

Chili’s Greeter: Is the other member of your party already here?

Me: I DON’T THINK SO! IT’S A GIRL! I’M SUPPOSED TO MEET A GIRL HERE AT ONE O’CLOCK!

Chili’s Greeter: Do you know what she looks like?

Me: SHE’S CUTE! AND SHE’S A GIRL! SHE’S A CUTE GIRL!

Chili’s Greeter: Well, would you like to wait for her in the bar?

Me: NO, THANK YOU! I THINK I’LL JUST SIT HERE BY THE DOOR AND LOOK STARTLED EVERY TIME SOMEONE COMES IN!

Chili’s Greeter: Well, I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: THANK YOU! DID I MENTION SHE WAS A GIRL?

I was as stiff as a board. In fact, when she walked through the door (at one o’clock, on the dot) I could swear I made creaking noises as I stood up and walked over to say, “Hello.”

We took our seats and I stared blankly at the menu while I tried to devise something to say that wouldn’t sound stilted. I think it came out:

I am most pleased that with you I am undertaking this excursion. I have hopes that it will bring you pleasure also?

Since Chili’s is her favorite restaurant, I deferred to her superior knowledge of the menu. So when she raved about the Southwestern Eggrolls, we ordered some as an appetizer.

Here’s the description of the Southwestern Eggrolls:

Soutwestern Eggrolls

Smoked chicken, black beans, corn, jalapeno Jack cheese, red peppers and spinach wrapped inside a crispy flour tortilla. We serve it with our avocado-ranch dipping sauce.

Sounds innocent enough, doesn’t it? But a more accurate description would be:

Soutwestern Spinach Eggrolls

Spinach, smoked chicken, spinach, black beans, spinach, corn, spinach, jalapeno Jack cheese, spinach, red peppers and spinach wrapped inside a crispy flour tortilla. We serve it with our avocado-ranch dipping sauce.

Warning: May contain spinach.

Allergen Warning: Manufactured in a facility that also processes spinach.

Each eggroll had thousands…thousands, I tell you…of small shards of cooked spinach and on the very first bite I could feel one of the spinach shards adhere to my front teeth. So, for the next ten or fifteen minutes I had to carry on a conversation while simultaneously trying to dislodge the spinach in the least conspicuous way possible.

I think my side went something like this:

Can you tell me additional information? <tongue makes a sweep of the front teeth> That is of great interest to me! <no spinach there, so I must have pushed it into the crevice between them> What an occurrence! <raise napkin to mouth and, while laughing, make a quick sweep between each tooth, working from left to right> I am incredulous! <no spinach on napkin, so take a drink of water and try swishing it around as subtly as possible> Mmm, hmmm. Mmm, hmmm. <smile broadly while holding up spoon to act as mirror> Do continue the tale! I am intent to hear the rest!

For the first half hour she probably felt like she was on a date with someone with Tourette’s who shouts out random entries from German-English phrase books while obsessive-compulsively touching his front teeth every 1.7 seconds.

But after that first miserable (for her) half hour, I was finally able to settle down to the point that I could at least approximate normalcy, and the whole afternoon just sort of opened up.

It was, quite simply, the best first date imaginable, but it was entirely thanks to her. She was absolutely charming, infinitely patient, hysterically funny, amazingly insightful, endearingly self-deprecating, extremely thoughtful…you name the superlative and I’d second it.

As for the claim that she talked “way too much,” nothing could be further from the truth. She talked exactly the right amount, which sometimes meant filling in enormous gaps in the conversation left by her date who couldn’t construct a meaningful sentence to save his life.

Besides, the more she talked, the more I could just sit there and stare at her…which, quite frankly, is something I would like to have done for the rest of the day.