Farting Teddy Bear
- So cute, so cuddly…so surprising!
- Hilarious!
- He just can’t help himself!
- Press the remote and he farts!
- Guaranteed laughs for everyone!
People just can’t keep their hands off our cute little Teddy Bear! But they are in for a surprise! Because when they cuddle him, you press a button on a remote and he breaks wind! Guaranteed laughs for everyone! Your friends will be so charmed they’ll want to hug him again!
I especially like the inset of the dinner party guests being “charmed” by the Farting Teddy Bear.
No doubt this was a group of strangers, standing around awkwardly, drinks in hand, not quite sure what to do or say. But the seasoned host knew that sometimes the best way to break the ice is to cut the cheese. So, with the touch of a button, the evening is saved and individuals of different ethnicities, social classes, and political persuasions are brought together by a flatulent ursine plush.
Just think of the possibilities. What would happen, for instance, if we shipped the little tooter to North Korea, thereby turning the upcoming six-party talks into seven-party talks? Maybe, just maybe, this sign of the apocalypse could actually avert an apocalypse.
North Korean Foreign Minister: “The resolution cannot be construed otherwise than as a declaration of war! We will deliver merciless blows without hesitation to whoever tries to breach our sovereignty and right to survive!”
Farting Teddy Bear: “F-F-F-F-F-F…”
NKFM: “Heh, heh, heh… Did someone let an issuance of gas? Oh, I see. It was the toy! How amusing. Where was I? Oh, yes…we will strike with…!”
FTB: “F-F-F-F-F-F…”
NKFM: “Ho, ho, ho, ho! That farting of the bear is indeed delightful. It puts me in remembrance of my nephew, who also farts. But while it is difficult to remain angry in the face of such gassy merriment, I must again state that we will not sit by while imperialist aggressors make…!
FTB: “F-F-F-F-F-F…”
NKFM: “HA, HA, HA! The farting must be stopped or my side will be stitched from such laughing! Oh! My stomach begins to ache! We must finish the meeting presently or my breath will leave me!
“Let us have an agreement of compromise, shall we? We will stop our program of nuclear armament in return for many shipments of oil for heating and a case of the butter of peanuts. Preferably Skippy. Preferably smooth.”
FTB: “F-F-F-F-F-F…”
NKFM: “WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Whomever is causing the bear to fart must stop at once! I cannot bear it! Wait! Bear it? I created a joke without meaning to do so! HA, HA, HA!!! I am both surprised and pleased! Come, let us sign the documents and then adjourn for kimchi and soju!”
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(Final stage instructions)
NKFM: (Turns and hugs aforementioned charming bear, unable to help himself. Bear again breaks wind. All present laugh and shake hands, “flush with [goodwill] and bonhomie.” Exit stage right. Faint fart and additional laughter heard as voices fade.)
Oh goodness. ^_^
Grettir: Where on earth (or elsewhere) do you find these apocalyptic novelties?
I was laughing so hard at this, my husband had to come upstairs to make sure I was okay.
What a very useful object to have around. Not only does it build bridges of understanding between political foes. It would serve as a convenient scapegoat (or scapebear, if you will) during a party that’s a little heavy on seven-layer and chili-cheese dips.
I have learned in the last 24 hours (my sources aren’t important) that this bear is, in fact, the nuclear weapon the North Koreans keep telling us they have. It certainly explains the low levels of radiation we detected following the latest alleged nuclear “test.” I have also learned that the North Korean code name for this secret nuclear weapon (“Testy Bear”) was tragically mistranslated for this ad. Can’t you see–if enough of these “bears” are sold, the world as we know if will be obliterated one “F-F-F-F-F …” at a time by an “Axis of Evil” foe we have taken far too lightly!?
So how do you explain the stink if you blame the sound on the teddy bear? Maybe he’s like a little atomizer. One of those automatic room freshener things that emits puffs every 10 minutes or so.
…come to think of it, that sounds just like my husband. “My little atomizer!” (No offence, dear.)
Kimball: My sister, Jenny, is the source of most of the apocalypsi. (Yes, I know that’s not the proper plural for “apocalypse,” but I like it.) I’m not a regular reader of either the Sunday newspaper color supplements or magazines like Woman’s Day (from whence most of these abominations came) but Jenny is (though she may not want anyone to know that), and she’ll point them out to me every once in a while.
As you can see, she has a keen eye for classy merchandise. It’s a gift. She can walk into any store, and within five minutes she’ll have found the tackiest, most appalling piece of kitsch in the place. You could even send her into a place like Tiffany & Co. and the first piece to catch her eye would probably be an engraved bedpan with bejeweled sanitary rinse station and accessory mint tray.
But I mean that in a good way…
I don’t mean to say that she has bad taste…quite the contrary. She wouldn’t be delighted by the engraved bedpan with bejeweled sanitary rinse station and accessory mint tray itself as much as she would be delighted by the sheer absurdity of the existence of such an object.
I’m not explaining myself well, but trust me Jenny, it’s a compliment.
LOL!
A keenness for the awful comes more truly with a keenness for the great.
(Or something platitudy-sounding like that. But I think you understand what I mean.)
That’s why Adam and Eve left Eden. They would never appreciate angels so much without exposure to devils.
And that is a TRULY SATANIC bear.
(which makes me laugh my head off)
“Thank you, grettir.” Or “I’m never speaking to you again.” I can’t decide which one to use yet.
Both would probably be a blessing upon your head. But then—with no outlet available—I’d have to hoard the Signs of the Apocalypse and hide them under my bed in a shoe box, and they’d scare me at night.
“…the engraved bedpan with bejeweled sanitary rinse station and accessory mint tray” sounds like something Hyacinth Bucket would not only have in her home [should such a social abomination as a bedpan become a necessity], but would also speak of often, and just loudly enough to be overheard by all present.
I recommend the former. My brother has a similar gift for finding hilariously awful things, and he’s in Jasper TX and I miss it (sniff).
(and refer to my proverb again)
Grettir: I’m not at all surprised to hear that Jenny is to blame. She is, if memory serves me well, also the source of many/most nurse book “finds.” No?
Jenny: This bear is billed as a novelty noise-maker. However, as the ancient Korean saying reminds us: “When the wind comes, it never comes alone.”
I have remained in uncharacteristic silence for – sheesh – four or five days now. I should be more specific; I’ve maintained WRITTEN silence concerning this entry. As for as LITERAL silence, I cannot boot up the computer (as Tiny Pineapple is my homepage) without fits of juvenile giggling.
And the COMMENTS have only made it worse. The expose of Jenny as the source of the Signs of the Apocalypse and the concept of the “engraved bedpan with bejeweled sanitary rinse station and accessory mint tray,” for instance – quite honestly, I almost peed my pants. And then there was Jenny’s response: