I know the words. I just haven’t had any time lately to write them down…

We had our family’s annual white elephant gift party this last week and the treasures bestowed this year were absolutely (and sometimes literally) breathtaking. I dare say it was even better than last year. But don’t take my word for it. Here are some of the unique gems that were (sometimes literally) unearthed this year.

“It’s a Cat and Mouse Game” Découpage Clock

When the night was over, I walked away with this beauty. Yes, I know! I can hardly believe it myself! It’s a wall-mounted découpage clock that uses chess as a metaphor for the natural enmity that exists between cats and mice. (Think Tom and Jerry as Kasparov and Karpov.)

Aficionados of the art of découpage (a name derived from the French “découper,” or “cut out”) will recognize the signs of quality workmanship right away. For instance, rather than being constructed of a single piece of wood, the base is made of “plywood” which consists of a number of thin layers of wood called “veneers.” (“Veneers” were also used on 18th-century neoclassical mahogany furniture and Hilary Duff’s teeth.)

It’s sure to keep very accurate time since its “genuine quartz” movement uses the same technology that is found in many of the clocks that hang on the walls of some of the offices that reside in the basement of the Smithsonian Institution. And the clock mechanism itself is actually mounted behind the wood, so only the hands of the clock are visible. Brilliant!

In a classic example of design restraint, the clock face only has digits in the 12, 3, 6, and 9 positions. The other numbers (1, 2, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, and 11) are merely implied by the lines radiating out from the center. And I don’t know about you, but nothing screams “small mammals playing board games” like Engravers Old English MT.

And you probably noticed this right away, but this exquisite example of American craftsmanship also features an anomaly that is sure to increase its value in the future. Much like the famous “Inverted Jenny,” the image of the cat and mouse has been reversed. Chess boards traditionally start with a black square on the left.

I still need to have it appraised for insurance purposes, but once that’s taken care of, the “It’s a Cat and Mouse Game” Découpage Clock will enjoy pride of place on the wall of Emma’s and Zoë’s bedroom. At least, it will if I can somehow get rid of the persistent musty odor of damp plywood that emanates from the piece even though the wood is bone dry.

Eyeless Plastic Figurine in Geographically Indeterminate Native Dress

Yes, this precious figurine of a young boy from Bulgaria, Greece, Iran, Italy, and/or the United Arab Emirates is in need of repair, but that’s no reason not to place it on your mantle…where it will wait, silent and still, until the first moonless night when it will climb down from its decorative perch and go room to room, visiting each sleeping inhabitant and scooping out each of their eyeballs with its tiny, cold, plastic hand.

This should probably be over in the Tidbits section, but…a real-time clock featuring Japanese girls doing synchronized dance movements to a jazz riff on Lerner & Loewe? Come on! How insanely cool is that?

I think they’re selling polo shirts, but, as I always say, do you really need an excuse for Japanese girls doing synchronized dance movements to a jazz riff on Lerner & Loewe?

Is there a 24-hour cable channel in Japan with this sort of thing? You know, “All Japanese Girls Doing Synchronized Dance Movements To A Jazz Riff On Lerner & Loewe…All The Time?”

If not, there should be.

[Note: I've turned the sound off by default so you aren't driven insane by the constant ticking, so be sure to click on the small speaker icon in the lower right for the full effect. Also, you can click on the movie or visit the UNIQLOCK site for a full-screen version.]

White Elephant

A white elephant is a supposedly valuable possession whose upkeep exceeds its usefulness, and it is therefore a liability. The term derives from the sacred white elephants kept by traditional Southeast Asian monarchs in Burma, Thailand, Laos and Cambodia. To possess a white elephant was regarded (and still is regarded, in Thailand and Burma), as a sign that the monarch was ruling with justice and the kingdom was blessed with peace and prosperity…

P.T. Barnum once sent an agent to buy a white elephant, sight unseen, hoping to use it as a circus attraction. When it arrived in Bridgeport, Connecticut, it was covered with large pinkish splotches and was not white at all. The public was not impressed and Barnum had to keep his “white elephant” hidden from public view in a stable while he tried to decide how to recover some of the high cost. The elephant later died when his stable burned down.

Source: Wikipedia

As you might guess from something like the Tiny Pineapple Nurse Book Collection, my family excels at White Elephant gift exchanges. All through the year, we hoard the obscure, the bizarre, and the grotesque, waiting for the perfect opportunity to unload the atrocities on unsuspecting friends and family members. And if our first White Elephant party of the year is any indication, this year’s haul could be one of the best/worst ever.

Here are just three examples of the glorious bounty so far…

Zippy the Pinhead Yellow Yarn Gorilla Baby

I don’t even know where to start. The blue eye shadow? The lush lower lashes? Or perhaps the fact that the yellow looped-yarn outfit isn’t an outfit at all; it’s the body of the thing? (The “hood,” which gives the whole thing a distinct Zippyesque quality, is actually stitched into the doll’s skull.)

I had this cherubic spawn of craft-hell sitting in my room for a few days, but even though I’ve returned it to its rightful owner, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I can still see its ghostly specter sitting on my dresser, feeding on my soul.

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Sad Clown Candle

The sad clown watches,
His tender tears set in wax.
Light the wick and weep.

I’m sure this candle was a rich pearlescent white when it left the craftsman’s workbench, but the passing decades have given this waxy homage to “Le Clown Triste” the same yellowish hue as rancid tripe. Every time I even look at the thing I feel like I need to wash my hands.

Wendy can be thankful that I didn’t end up with this beauty, otherwise it would be on its way to Kauai right now.

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Dalibor: playing the organ for his parents…

This music CD was presented to my sister-in-law, Pam, by her Czech gynecologist, Dr. Dalibor Hrádek. It features an original four-part composition recorded at St. John the Baptist Church in Glandorf, Ohio on January 21, 2001.

Unfortunately, I’ve been conditioned to associate this style of organ music with silent films, leaving me with the impression that mornings around the Hrádek breakfast table must have been like something out of Murnau’s Nosferatu.

Pam informed me that there is a companion piece: Dolibor: playing the organ for his son…

Maybe next year.

Well, the votes were pretty evenly distributed (almost every entry got at least one vote), but when the dust settled, Jenny’s harrowing tale of fur vs. flatus carried the day.

“Hiiiiiii-yaaaaaaaa!” Without a second’s thought, Norm flung aside his hat and camera to meet the advancing buffalo’s menacing horns with a mighty pants-splitting “Rotten Egg Special,” courtesy of the philly cheese-steak he’d had for lunch mere hours before. And not a moment too soon: for the instant he felt the beast’s hot breath upon his fanny, his own deadly “hot breath” caught in the mammoth creature’s belching nostrils like a deadly nerve gas. Rock and tree and soil shook as 2,000 pounds of raw, untamed muscle slapped the earth, the animal at once as still and dead as the stones that showered down upon its motionless carcass. Norm landed, as agile as a feline, with a soft “thump” in the long grass beside the matted, stinking fur and the still glassy eyes.

Unfortunately, her entry is so wordy that the resulting 0.75pt font size renders the whole thing unreadable. Which, in this case, is probably for the best.

Jenny should be sporting a new TP T-shirt by this time next week.