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Sign of the Apocalypse #242: Farting Teddy Bear

Farting Teddy Bear

Farting Teddy Bear

  • So cute, so cuddly…so surprising!
  • Hilarious!
  • He just can’t help himself!
  • Press the remote and he farts!
  • Guaranteed laughs for everyone!

People just can’t keep their hands off our cute little Teddy Bear! But they are in for a surprise! Because when they cuddle him, you press a button on a remote and he breaks wind! Guaranteed laughs for everyone! Your friends will be so charmed they’ll want to hug him again!

I especially like the inset of the dinner party guests being “charmed” by the Farting Teddy Bear.

Farting Teddy Bear at a Dinner Party

No doubt this was a group of strangers, standing around awkwardly, drinks in hand, not quite sure what to do or say. But the seasoned host knew that sometimes the best way to break the ice is to cut the cheese. So, with the touch of a button, the evening is saved and individuals of different ethnicities, social classes, and political persuasions are brought together by a flatulent ursine plush.

Just think of the possibilities. What would happen, for instance, if we shipped the little tooter to North Korea, thereby turning the upcoming six-party talks into seven-party talks? Maybe, just maybe, this sign of the apocalypse could actually avert an apocalypse.

Farting Teddy Bear at the Six-Party Talks

North Korean Foreign Minister: “The resolution cannot be construed otherwise than as a declaration of war! We will deliver merciless blows without hesitation to whoever tries to breach our sovereignty and right to survive!”

Farting Teddy Bear: “F-F-F-F-F-F…”

NKFM: “Heh, heh, heh… Did someone let an issuance of gas? Oh, I see. It was the toy! How amusing. Where was I? Oh, yes…we will strike with…!”

FTB: “F-F-F-F-F-F…”

NKFM: “Ho, ho, ho, ho! That farting of the bear is indeed delightful. It puts me in remembrance of my nephew, who also farts. But while it is difficult to remain angry in the face of such gassy merriment, I must again state that we will not sit by while imperialist aggressors make…!

FTB: “F-F-F-F-F-F…”

NKFM: “HA, HA, HA! The farting must be stopped or my side will be stitched from such laughing! Oh! My stomach begins to ache! We must finish the meeting presently or my breath will leave me!

“Let us have an agreement of compromise, shall we? We will stop our program of nuclear armament in return for many shipments of oil for heating and a case of the butter of peanuts. Preferably Skippy. Preferably smooth.”

FTB: “F-F-F-F-F-F…”

NKFM: “WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Whomever is causing the bear to fart must stop at once! I cannot bear it! Wait! Bear it? I created a joke without meaning to do so! HA, HA, HA!!! I am both surprised and pleased! Come, let us sign the documents and then adjourn for kimchi and soju!”

Challenges for Nurse Genie

by Peggy Gaddis (1960)
Challenges for Nurse Genie

Nurse Genie came to Raiford Cay to care for an old man with a mysterious illness. In trying to cure him, Genie found herself stung by two arrows from Cupid’s bow!

Trouble in Paradise

Nurse Genie Hayes found two challenges awaiting her on her arrival at the small Bahama out-island of Raiford Cay — the challenge of caring for old paralyzed Henry Raiford whose illness was a mystery to everyone, including his family…and the challenge flung at her by the beautiful Janice Burton to keep away from Captain Aleck Rogers and Scott Raiford, the two handsome eligible men on the island.

Genie’s medical training helped her meet the first challenge. But she wasn’t prepared for the breathless effect that Aleck’s and Scott’s kisses would have on her. How long could she continue to blame the tropical moonlight and the romantic scent of jasmine for the wild pounding in her heart?

Based solely on the illustration on the cover, here’s my guess as to how the book ends:

Even after she’d stopped struggling, Scott Raiford kept a firm grip on Genie Hayes’ soft, delicate throat. Her eyes, still wide with astonishment, stared blankly at the yacht that was to have carried them away…away from the cares and troubles of this small, remote island.

But there were only two things that would be carried away that afternoon: Nurse Hayes’ lifeless body, carried out to sea by the ebbing tide…and Nurse Hayes’ heart, so full of hope and promise, carried by angels to a place where she and Captain Aleck could finally be free of Raiford Cay. Where there would be no more…Challenges for Nurse Genie.

Any other guesses?


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