Tiny Pineapple

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Sanitized by Swisher

It started as corporate self-promotion. Those little plastic screens that you find in the bottom of urinals used to simply say:

Sanitized by Swisher

…but it soon evolved into lifestyle advice:

Sanitized by Swisher
Say No To Drugs

I’m sure that there were quite a few heroin addicts who were persuaded to reform after being lectured by a bathroom fixture, but I resent the rather sexist implication that urinal users are the only ones in need of drug-free advice. I hope that the tampon dispensers in the Ladies’ room carry the same words of wisdom.

Then they decided that you would take investment advice from a urinal:

Sanitized by Swisher
A Publicly Traded Company

After hearing his colleagues brag about their portfolios all afternoon, Mr. Robertson excused himself from the table and strode toward the bathroom. “I need a new investment strategy,” he muttered under his breath. “I have an impeccably balanced portfolio with asset allocations in line with my personal goals and retirement time line, but something seems to be missing. <zip> Hmm… Perhaps the world’s leading restroom hygiene service provider holds the key to my financial future.

And now they want to lure you to their Web site:

Sanitized by Swisher
www.swisheronline.com

…where you are greeted by a Flash animation with background music rivaling that of the finest porn films. You can also view a video presentation extolling the virtues of becoming a Swisher franchisee where they actually use the word “pilferage” and discuss the glamorous possibilities of working with such “blue chip companies” as Dunkin Donuts and AMF Bowling Centers.

Why can’t they let a urinal just be a urinal?

A Reprieve For RFTP

Huzzah! The CARP recommendations have been rejected by the Librarian of Congress. (Am I the only one who, when hearing the title “Librarian of Congress,” pictures some elderly, matronly woman shushing rowdy Senators for speaking too loudly in the non-fiction section?)

It’s probably only a temporary stay of execution, but it looks like we’ll be able to broadcast for at least a few more months. <knock on silicon>

CARP Crap

As many of you know, the Librarian of Congress has until May 21 to either accept or reject the recommendations of the Copyright Arbitration Royalty Panel (“CARP”) concerning Internet radio royalty rates and record-keeping requirements.

Barring an unseasonable drop in temperature in hell and the subsequent transformation of H2O from liquid to solid form, Radio Free Tiny Pineapple will be going dark on or around May 21st. RFTP will simply revert to what it was in the beginning: a way for me to listen to my CDs at work. You just won’t be able to listen in anymore.

That’s a shame because, based on the traffic and fan mail that we get, it is obvious that RFTP is meeting the needs of a niche that is poorly-served by conventional broadcasters.

It is also obvious, based on the number of CD purchases at Amazon.com that are made by RFTP listeners linking directly from our site, that RFTP is generating quite a bit of revenue for the record labels. (And who knows how much revenue we’re generating indirectly? I think Jonatha Brooke owes me a car.)

Still, I do believe that artists should be compensated for their works, and if artists (by way of their labels and the RIAA) feel that the CARP recommendations are the best way to facilitate that, who am I to say otherwise?

As Goethe once said, “There ain’t no fighting The Man…”

Additional Links:

Great Moments In eCommerce: Amazon.com Lawn & Patio

Part 1

Amazon.com Launches New Lawn & Patio Store in Time for Spring; Eliminates Shopping Hassle for Customers Who Can Now Spend More Time Enjoying the Outdoors

SEATTLE–(BUSINESS WIRE)–April 5, 2000–Leading online retailer Amazon.com today launched a new Lawn & Patio store, with thousands of popular and hard-to-find products for lawn and patio decoration, care, and enjoyment.

The store features an extensive selection of outdoor grills, patio furniture, birdfeeders, lawn mowers, garden tools and decorative ornaments from more than 50 leading brands, including Weber, Fiskars, Rubbermaid, Rain Bird, Melnor/Gardena, Gilmour, Ryobi, Echo, Weed Eater, Corona and Miracle-Gro.

“Shopping at the Amazon.com Lawn & Patio store is convenient because we carry a vast selection of the many brands that consumers want,” said Joe Galli, Amazon.com president and COO. “Shoppers can now spend more time outdoors doing the things they enjoy and less time fighting store crowds for their lawn and patio needs.”

Part 2

The Scotts Company 72420 Miracle-Gro 20-Pound All Purpose Potting Soil

List Price: $0.85
Our Price: $0.60
You Save: $0.25

Subtotal of Items:  $0.60
Shipping & Handling:  $14.79
Total:  $15.39

Part 3

Amazon Trims Offerings

NEW YORK–February 2, 2001–Online retailer Amazon.com confirmed reports Friday that it will eliminate unprofitable items from its large selection of offerings.

The move, first reported in Friday’s edition of the Wall Street Journal, is being made as part of Amazon’s effort to post an operating profit by the fourth quarter of this year, according to Bill Curry, a company spokesman.

“We are absolutely committed to being profitable by the end of this year, and one way to do this is to make sure that every item contributes to profitability.”

The program — which CEO Jeff Bezos dubbed “Get the Crap Out,” in an internal memo, according to the Journal report — is a detraction from the company’s previous strategy of selling nearly anything people want to buy, including patio furniture and beauty products.