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Satanic Nurses, The

by J.B. Miller (2003)
Satanic Nurses, The

In J.B. Miller’s alternative literary universe, Virginia Woolf has a crush on William Powell, Norman Mailer provides “The Rules” for dating, Bridget Jones writes “The Diary of Anais Nin,” and J.D. Salinger sends letters to young starlets inviting them to audition for the movie of “Franny.”

Dave Eggers gives us “A Backbreaking Work of Incredible Thinness,” Philip Roth gets into a fight with Nathan Zuckerman, E. Annie Proulx is guilty of “Vocabulary Crimes,” and we read the missing transcript of Jonathan Franzen on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

We visit Frank McCourt’s disturbing childhood in “Angela’s Eyelashes,” we learn from David Mamet “How It Is To Write,” and go “Trainspitting” with Irvine Welsh. Toni Morrison gets “Belabored,” P.G. Wodehouse admits that “She’s a Right Ho, Jeeves,” Mary McCarthy foils Lillian Hellman’s attempted assassination of Hitler, David Foster Wallace proves an “Infinite Pest,” notes are found for J.R.R. Tolkein’s abandoned opus, “The Lord of the Strings,” and polar explorer Ernest Shackleton gets lost on the London bus system.

These are just some of the forty-four witty and outrageously funny pieces that comprise The Satanic Nurses, a satiric anthology of counterfeit lit.

Second Year Nurse

by Margaret McCulloch (1957)
Second Year Nurse

From the hospital window, Jan watches the familiar green car swing around the drive. Moments later Dorinda steps into it and takes her place beside the driver.

“Dr. Bartholomew, wasn’t it?” Jan’s patient asks. “I don’t recognize the nurse.”

So this is what the other nurses are trying to tell her. Dorinda — her friend and roommate — is dating handsome Hank Bartholomew too!

Second Year Nurse, Nancy Kimball at City Hospital

by Carli Laklan (1967)
Second Year Nurse, Nancy Kimball at City Hospital

Nancy Kimball and her new friends at City Hospital barely escape being caught forming a secret society after lights-out. Then they win a full grown and gobbling Thanksgiving turkey and secretly keep him, until he escapes, in the baggage room of their dormitory. These are just two of the escapades that provide Nancy with fun and excitement in her second year of nurse’s training.

However, when she learns that two of her new friends have endangered the life of a patient, Nancy’s conscience and training take over and she realizes she must report them, although this will cause trouble between her and her classmates.

Problems mount. How Nancy eventually copes with them makes exciting and enjoyable reading for girls.

Second-Chance Nurse

by Jane Converse (1961)
Second-Chance Nurse

Guilt haunts a young doctor as he works to save his patient’s life, and the nurse who loves him keeps vigil against the death that must not happen…

CRISIS!

The young doctor’s face was etched with bitter hope and desperate strength. Karen Reese looked from him to the small form stretched on the hospital bed and knew that Dr. Mark Corman needed her at last; needed her skill, her devotion, even her silent, unspoken love. For only love’s valiant faith could win this struggle. Death was groping for the child with cold fingers, but they would not, could not, let him die…

A dedicated doctor and nurse are united in a heart-gripping battle for the life of a child, while a fierce love grows between them as they thwart death with all the courage of their calling.

Settlement Nurse

by Rosie M. Banks (1959)
Settlement Nurse

A mysterious, deranged vagrant in a coma. Isn’t that every young woman’s ideal?

Cindy anxiously watched her delirious patient. Kenneth Randall was a new experience for her. To the older nurses from the settlement house he was just another drifter–a vagrant who moved from one cheap hotel room to another, from one misery to the next

But Cindy saw only a man who needed her as no one ever had. It as her job to save him. But from what? His past was a mystery. And what of his future? Did it depend on the show girl who had left her green stockings in his room?

Suddenly Cindy was shocked to realize that she was actually jealous of a woman she had never seen. It was ridiculous–but it had happened. Cindy was falling in love with a strange man she hadn’t even spoken to!

A mysterious, deranged vagrant in a coma. Isn’t that every young woman’s ideal?

Later on in the book we learn that Mr. Right is really “a handsome but despondent young actor,” but that’s essentially the same thing, isn’t it? Except for the coma part, of course. But after a few dates with a sulking, self-absorbed thespian, she’ll probably look back on those early, speechless days with great fondness.

I love the two hoodlums standing in the background on the cover. They look like two extras from West Side Story waiting for the craft services truck to arrive. The waistline on the brunette’s jeans hits him a good three inches above the belly button, but he probably had to keep them hiked up like that or you couldn’t see his white socks. And that single light in the upstairs bedroom can’t be good. Surely all decent folk went to sleep hours ago…